Social media intro: Have you ever watched a man sweep a woman off her feet, taking her completely by surprise as he proclaims that he “can’t help himself”? Or perhaps you’ve heard a girl tell her boyfriend that her life would be meaningless without him by her side. While these utterances can be signs of affection and love, they can also be examples of one of the most powerful linguistic manipulation tactics: love-bombing.
By carefully choosing their words, love-bombers can manipulate their way into even the most cautious hearts. Once inside, the mask comes down, and they begin to exert control until the other person is left feeling guilt, confusion, and even a sense of futility that keeps them trapped. From relationships to religious groups, people from all walks of life can suffer the effects of love-bombing. That’s why it’s so important to be able to spot this language as soon as it rears its head.
What Is Love-Bombing?
Love-bombing overwhelms with grand gestures to create emotional dependence.
Love-bombing is a phenomenon described in psychology as a tactic that creates a dependency on an abuser by overwhelming a victim with affection. Once the victim has gotten into the habit of reacting to the manipulator with love and trust, the love-bombing stops. At this point, the victim often finds escaping the relationship difficult. They may feel guilt (“they loved me so much… did I do something wrong?”) or low self-esteem (“I’m not good enough, and they finally realized it”). These and other factors can make leaving seem impossible, trapping the victim with the manipulator.
The Signs of Love-Bombing
Love-bombing comes in many forms, but these turns of phrase stand out from real love in their purpose. Unlike love, which takes time as two people get to know, understand, and support each other in a reciprocal showing of adoration, love-bombing tends to come on quickly. It often takes the victim by surprise, which helps to inhibit their critical thinking by not giving them time to think at all. Common tactics include:
Excessive compliments
“You’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever met.” By building the victim up, they place themselves in a positive position.
Over-the-top compliments can be a tactic to build dependency and control.
Hard timeliness
“When we get married, we can buy a house together.” By using “when” and not “if,” they force a narrative that can be difficult for the victim to challenge. This helps to keep the victim trapped.
A tense discussion where one partner feels pressured and uncertain.
Over-the-top gifts
Sparing no expense on luxury items, vacations, and amenities can be a sign that a perpetrator is planning abuse. They can hold these items over their victims’ heads later to keep them beholden: “What about that expensive car I bought you? I’ve done so much for you.”
Lavish gifts can be used to create emotional debt and control.
Stalking
“I’m worried about you! When will you be home?” While this can be a completely normal thing for loving partners to ask, frequent contact can indicate that the perpetrator is using the guise of romance to control where and when their victim travels.
Obsessive monitoring disguised as concern can be a form of control.
Minimization
“I’m sorry, I just can’t help myself! I love you too much.” While many people might find the thought of driving their partner wild romantically stimulating, it can also be a subtle means of justifying unacceptable behavior. The victim often believes they have no grounds for complaining about abuse because “they were warned.”
Dismissing harmful behavior as ‘love’ can leave victims confused and trapped.
The Strategy of Love-Bombing
It’s true that the most common place to see love-bombing is within the context of romantic relationships. However, this is far from its only home. Other frequent uses of love-bombing can be found in:
Cults
The easiest way for cults to grow their membership is via love-bombing. By making a potential recruit feel excessively welcomed, the cult creates a positive association that can draw the person further in. Then, once they are assimilated, the love-bombing stops—often because the new recruit joins the perpetrators to love-bomb someone else.
For instance, suppose you are considering attending a group meeting that you have never heard of before. You are greeted with warm, smiling faces. “We’re so happy you’re here! It’s wonderful to have a new face around.” Each time they see you, they welcome you with open arms, addressing you among the “we” of the group. This positive environment is easy to keep coming back to, and that’s all it takes to join a cult.
Cults use overwhelming friendliness to create a sense of belonging and trust.
Employment
Employers are often known to love-bomb in order to win and retain top talent. Consistent compliments keep employees working hard, generating maximized profits. Meanwhile, the employee is left feeling that they have developed a personal, family-like relationship with the employer. This makes leaving difficult should the work situation become problematic; after all, they would be letting down their boss or work community or putting them in a tough spot. Thus, employers know that they can get away with progressively more egregious infringements, such as abusive work requirements or harassment.
Workplace love-bombing uses praise and motivation to create loyalty and pressure.
Romance Scams
Among the most vulnerable individuals in society are older folks. Whether due to their declining cognitive abilities, lack of familiarity with rising technology, or distance from family (both physical and figurative), many aging adults are especially susceptible to love-bombing. This, in turn, exposes them to unique avenues of exploitation, usually called romance scams.
It is common for scammers to love-bomb elderly individuals to create the same positive flood of emotions that abusers do in more traditional romantic relationships. Once they have established a level of control and commitment from the victim, they begin to ask for money—small amounts at first just to help with bills or a meal for their child. Over time, these requests grow into purchasing plane tickets or paying for hefty medical bills. The scammer, of course, pockets the money.
Some love-bombing turns of phrase that work particularly well on older individuals include:
- “You don’t look like you’ve aged a day!”
- “I love a man/woman who’s had so many experiences! I could listen to you all day.”
- “I’m worried someone could try to take advantage of your finances; will you let me help? That way, you don’t have to worry about it!”
- “I’ve waited my entire life to find you. We’re soulmates!”
- “I can’t wait to hold you when we meet.”
Romance scammers use flattery and affection to build trust before exploiting victims.
No matter the age or relationship, it is important for people to look out for their loved ones if they see any hints that love-bombing may be occurring. This type of insidious language use slithers in slowly under the guise of loving adoration. By masking itself under the same words and linguistic styles as affection, love-bombing creeps in as a poisonous weed in the form of a flower. When it blooms, it’s already too late to escape the thorns—and those who come out the other side often only do so after significant pain.
